Love, Loss, Grief, and Survival
Love
In the past 20 years, I have shared my home with 16 “family” rabbits and a number of fosters, and I have given each a safe and loving home. When I first became involved in the “rabbit world” almost 10 years ago, I got the idea that it was “wrong” to find oneself drawn to one rabbit more than another. I honestly believed I was a terrible person when I realized that I did have a “favorite.” A couple of years ago I was talking to a rescuer, and risked admitting that I had a deeper bond with His Royal Highness King Murray than I had with the other rabbits in my home. Instead of lashing out at me as I had expected, she said, “That just means you’re human.”
There are many reasons we develop an especially deep bond with a particular rabbit. It is very common to form an intensely deep bond with a rabbit that has medical problems requiring a lot of handling and attention. You may develop a deep bond with a rabbit who comes into your life during an extremely difficult or stressful time. For those of us willing to listen and learn, rabbits can be great teachers, and we may be drawn to an individual rabbit because we have something important to learn from him or her. I met Murray less than a month after losing my beloved Smokey to a cancer and was immediately drawn to him. When I adopted him and his companions, I was not aware of his many health problems or the fact that he was a wise soul who had much to teach me. I only knew in my heart that he belonged with me, and so our journey began.
Not everyone will experience a relationship like mine with Murray. To experience this, you have to be able to listen to your heart instead of your head. If, one day, you are lucky enough to feel especially drawn to a certain rabbit, I urge you to listen to your heart!
Loss
On Wednesday, April 9, 2003, Murray’s heart stopped, and when he died he took a piece of my heart with him. We knew he was ill, had been treating him for heart disease (in addition to his other chronic ailments) for 10 months, and knew it was progressing. However, he had had a decent check-up with his vet on Monday. He was definitely “off” Tuesday evening, turning his nose up at his beloved cranberries (but nibbling on greens). But ups and downs were not unusual with him at this point. I consulted his vet, we agreed to just keep an eye on him, and Wednesday morning he seemed to feel a bit better when I left for work. I came home and found him stretched out peacefully on the special rug that I gave him for Christmas…not breathing.
This was my first experience with finding one of my bunnies dead. His body was still warm, and I immediately called Dr. Allan. I told her how bad I felt that I had not been there with him. She said, “Kathy, he wanted it this way.” I had watched both Frankie and Stormy die, gasping for breath with me unable to do anything to help them. I would have hated to witness that with Murray. In my heart, I honestly believe he simply fell asleep and never woke up – otherwise I don’t think he would have looked as peaceful and content when I found him. I realized his choice to go just before I got home was his final gift to me.
Grief
I knew I had to hold myself together. I laid Murray’s body in the front seat of my car on the Brave Bunny Blanket that always went with him to the vet. Dr. Allan met us at the clinic and sat and cried with me as we said goodbye. When I got home I called a few friends…those I knew would help pass the word at my office and to my friends in the bunny world. I received several phone calls that evening and the following day. Everyone remarked at how well I was holding up. Yes, I was crying, but I was able to see the positives: he went quickly, he didn’t suffer, he had a good life with me, he knew he was loved, I had no regrets about anything. I’m sure I was in shock at that point. Looking back, I’d say I was in shock until the point that I started feeling worse than the day before. That was when I believe the grieving process actually started.
I knew the “firsts” would be the hardest for me: the first morning I woke up at 4:30 and had no Murray to give meds to; the first time I made salads without making his; the first time I came home and he wasn’t there to greet me; the first trip for “greens” when I didn’t buy the special things that only Murray ate. It helps if you can anticipate the times that will be hardest for you and brace yourself for them. It also helps to have a circle of friends that you know you can call if you need to…even at 4:30 AM!
Survival
Everyone deals with grief in her own way. Here are some things that may help you work through your grief:
- Give yourself permission to cry. If you are comfortable with tears, they can be quite healing.
- Take your time going through your rabbit’s things. Decide carefully what to toss, what to leave where it is, what to pack away, and what to use for other rabbits or donate to a rescue. For now, a corner of my kitchen has Murray’s personalized bowl, the rug he died on and one of his King Murray towels. The shirt I last held him in is packed away with special toys and dishes. If in doubt about something, keep it for now – you can always toss it later!
- When you’re feeling really down, phone a friend who will let you express all your emotions. Don’t try to go through this alone!
- Write down your memories or go through your pictures. You may cry while you are doing it, but it will help you remember the good times. Down the road, you will be glad you did.
- Do something special for yourself in memory of your rabbit: buy a special picture frame, have a portrait or laser charm made, plant a tree – whatever works for you.
- Do something special for others as a tribute to your rabbit: write an article or story; draw or paint a picture; volunteer with a rescue group, shelter, or other organization; offer your love to another rabbit when you are ready.
Things you can do to help a grieving friend:
- Keep in touch. You don’t need to call the first day; calls made on day three and beyond are often most appreciated. The rest of the world probably thinks she should be over it by then.
- If your lifestyle permits, be one of the people she can call whenever she needs to – even in the middle of the night!
- Send a card. If you have a special memory of the rabbit, take time to write about it – this will mean a lot to your friend. If you happen to be artistic, a sketch or drawing of her rabbit will be a cherished keepsake.
- If you can afford to, make a donation to her favorite charity in memory of her rabbit. Ask the organization to send her a card, acknowledging the donation in her rabbit’s memory.
by Kathy Smith